A healing journey…

I returned home on Saturday after going away to spend a couple of days with my Dad.  October 19th was the second anniversary of Billie-Jane’s passing and we wanted to go and put flowers at the headstone and just be there as a family with Paul and my niece Stephanie.

I was a bit nervous travelling as normally Steve would drive me the 100 miles to my Dad’s place but this time I had to take the train on my own!  It turned out to be a really nice journey, my trains were all on time and the station staff were all really nice and polite.  I tried to get a couple of pictures while I was on the train and most of them were blurry but here are a couple that came out ok. Note to self: Trying to take photographs on a moving train is just silly 🙂

Me and Dad in about 1977/78

The next day when Paul arrived we went to the cemetery to put some flowers down at Billie-Jane’s head stone.  I also put my medal from Billie’s 5k there too.  Since Billie-Jane passed away I have had days where I thought that I would never ever smile again, the pain of losing a child is extraordinary, believe me I know. I knelt down in the mud to comfort my brother and realised that the paralysing pain I feel must be nothing compared to the pain that he feels.

I have a folder on my computer that contains hundreds of photographs of Billie at various ages, in lots of different places.  I have not been anywhere near that folder since she died.  I did try, a few months after she passed but the pain was so intense I could barely breathe so since then I just kept well away from it.  I have two pictures of her in my living room, but those of you that know me will know that my desk is in the kitchen and I don’t use the living room often so I don’t have to worry about seeing them.

After Paul left that day, my Dad gave me a disc.  It contained 156 photographs of Billie-Jane, all taken either at school or Hope House and every single one I never seen before.  I sat there looking through them on my laptop, laughing and smiling for over an hour and then I realised… I realised what I had just done.  I had managed to look through these pictures and laugh.  I never ever thought that I would be able to do that again, don’t get me wrong, plenty of people told me that I would be able to again one day but in the midst of that overwhelming pain I never believed a single one of them. They were right.  I am healing.

For two years I feel as though I have been stuck in some kind of weird parallel universe but this journey has woken me up to reality.  I am healing.

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5 thoughts on “A healing journey…

  1. It will get easier. Time is a great healer. Just don’t try to surpress the feelings though – it will make you feel worse. A lovely post.

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